Excerpt from Full Biography “Finding the Light”

Beginning at a very early age, my search for understanding took a cosmic centered course.  While I was born and raised on a working farm in rural NH with a close connection to Nature, I never experienced it as a separate field of objects, rather as a living dimension of ourselves whose conditions of existence had a direct effect on our own, and whose health and abundance was likewise affected by our thoughts and actions. With my parents, I shared a feeling of inseparable oneness with the Earth, and of a greater Force which ushered life into form. It was a way of life where in order to survive, rather than trying to control Nature as if it were an inanimate obstacle, we worked to increase our inner sensitivity to its flow, aligning and harmonizing our own efforts in relation to it. We followed the sun, the moon, and the wheel of the seasons.  These were the guideposts of the time and space in which we lived, and through hard earned experience, intuitively participating in the order of Nature while keeping its balance, abundant harvests followed. It may sound rather primitive in a technologically driven global culture…but it was in some ways a more unbound science, and year after year it bore fruit.  

As a girl my passions were singing, running and gymnastics, but it was my innate gift for singing that took me beyond an awareness of the self as separate and physical to an experience of my innate connection to a much greater network of Being or Consciousness.  I often disappeared in idle hours into the tall grass acres of our home singing long tones that merged in perfect harmony with the summer breezes whispering through the fields. I remember vividly the feeling of singing with gently closed eyes and being charioted upward beyond the sky above into what seemed the illumined white heaven adults talked about as the place you would enter upon death. I was unaware of its significance at the time, or what this relationship to the earth my family wholly devoted themselves to planting and cultivating would afford me. In these youth full years, along with seeds of corn, the seeds of sound as a tool for transcending the physical, refining my inner sensitivity to subtle energies, and evolving a more unconditioned understanding of Light were planted in me. Though my desires, intellect and abilities would carry me far away from those firm, earth nourished roots, it is an awareness that still resonates in me, and my tangible sense of existing as part of an infinite, all-inclusive, interdependent network of being continues to grow.

My intense appreciation for every breath of life, my interest in healing and disease intervention, compassion for humanity, and a desire to advance global culture beyond disease and suffering through art and science began in my early teens when both local physicians and a team of Boston Neurologists diagnosed me as having an inoperable brain anomaly, aka tumor, offering only the palliative support of seizure medications and an undetermined amount of time to live. During such a time one fights not to be buried in the darkness of desperation, and my youth’s sense of invincibility and relative inability to fathom death served me well. Not knowing where to turn when others had given in to the prognosis…I turned within my own self, seeking answers in a deeper relationship with that unfathomable Causal Force which seemed to govern my New England family’s farming life and harmonious connection to Nature. I remember weeks in my room, promising in a kind of prayer to surrender my will to that greater Force, to serve others as well as myself, and to accept that as my purpose if I could only be restored to health and live. Somehow at that young age, I eventually let go of my fear with an attitude of grace much like my father who plowed and seeded the rows each Spring with immovable confidence that they would grow.  Then one day, in an unexpected and quite ordinary moment, an answer came like a seed that had finally germinated and I felt heard. It took the form of a radiant shift in Light within me that seemed brilliant against the dark emotions overshadowing and circling through me at that time.  It was so apart from any physical sensory or intellectual experience I had ever had, I knew I would somehow survive and be well. In hindsight, I believe this experience also drew me to the extreme contrasts of black and white photography when I was seeking to make images of my experience of Nature.  Within a month after this experience, the diagnostic studies and evaluations which had repeatedly yielded the same results now showed a tumor no longer growing in size.  I remained on the seizure meds for 3 years, but never had another seizure and eventually all that remained of the abnormality was what looked like residual scarring with no effect on my brain function. After this, my life would be a search in the world of matter and inside myself for greater understanding of that experience.  I would never forget that even the darkest life-threatening moment is not absent of Infinite illumination and the potential to heal. After high-school I began my search for answers in the science of traditional western medicine. I graduated with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing from St. Anselm College and practiced as a neurosurgical Nurse at Columbia Presbyterian Neuro Institute while completing my Strategic Health Care Planning and Management graduate studies at Columbia University.  On some level it was an effort to honor my promise and pay back the gift of my unexplainable recovery by helping others whose neurological pain and suffering was yet unresolved. Later I would accept my path of inquiry and service was to take other forms. 

After Graduate School, exploding corporate health care opportunities called me to Phoenix Arizona. While working in hospitals for 12 years in the vast open desert of Arizona, both my unusually refined spatial awareness and sensitivity to sound in music and writing would find means of expression and cultivation. In over a decade here as a singer in a cherished collaboration with jazz pianist Charles Lewis, I studied and evolved the power of vocal sound that had always passed through me as a force which affected both mind and emotions. During this period, I was also profoundly influenced by the architecture of Frank Lloyd Wright through visits to Taliesin West and his visionary protégé Paolo Soleri.  I met Paolo after performing at a concert in the theatre of his utopian city of Arcosanti. Living in the rigidly regulated halls of physical medicine and surgery by day, Paolo made it OK for me to imagine a world beyond mass perception, to never doubt its reality, and to find the courage to advance beyond our pre-conceptions to where true creativity lives…at the seat of unlimited awareness and capacity. I was also welcomed by a mutual friend to spend time at the Verde Valley foundry /studio of Sculptor John Henry Waddell. His work is one seamless serene affirmation of human worth and unlimited potential, and joy pervaded his creative space. Each one of his figurative forms celebrated our existence as a dance of liberation and light, and as a flight of transcendence, even as we carry the weight of our dense flesh and bones. His perception further kindled my own. Sometimes it seems a very old connection exists where there is no reasoned explanation for it …it was like this with Rotraut Klein Moquay. I remain deeply grateful for her nearly five year invitation to spend time close to her creative process during my Arizona stay. She is a German born painter and sculptor, wife of the late Yves Klein, and sister to German Sculptor Guenther Ueker. Surrounded by monolithic monochromatic forms of life emerging in matter or canvases of light pouring forth out of galaxies still undiscovered, her studio and her reality were places where energy followed her imagination and thought, moving in vibrations and waves, into form from her own inner portal to infinity. She felt, without tangible experience, what I would later refine through yogic and meditative practices, and together, each in our own ways, we sought to materialize the intangible. The flow of energies which underlies all form, extending from the microcosm of subatomic worlds to the macrocosm of galaxies in unceasing exchange, through creation, preservation and destruction, in and out of perceivable matter was the subject of our science and art of being. Together we would try to follow the thread of what communicates through the movement of the universe, the landscape of our planetary life, and the vast dimensions of our inner being, and project it in a way that related what pieces we knew of that truth.  Art was her canvas.  At the time, mine was exclusively word and sound. Still we both sought those frequencies, shapes and interconnecting networks which reiterate again and again, rising out of elemental seed impulses, the play of polarities, the electro -magnetism which calls forth the Light, and that union without which none of it would exist.

It was at this time that I faced the second physical challenge of my life.  When physical medicine was not helping to rehabilitate my spine after a car accident, and working in the healthcare industry I had access to the best resources, I turned to yoga. This eventually led to a practice of meditation and mantra which was quite natural given I had been singing professionally as a jazz musician in addition to my corporate healthcare work for many years. I had perfect pitch, and a resonant quality which seemed to have chanted mantras for lifetimes before. But singing and being able to relate to sound as energy would become more and more finely differentiated as I progressed.  This began a period of conscious inner development, of refining my inner sensory awareness and clearing a path for more unlimited perception.

After nearly 15 years devoted to the fields of clinical nursing and health systems management, I faced the personal truth that helping to alleviate already manifest disease and physical prevention was not enough, and further expanded my search beyond the boundaries of physical science.  Still with a scientist’s skepticism and an insistence on tangible experience, I began a course of extensive study and experience into the more subtle energies and forces operating on a deeper causal level as the unseen roots of physical and mental disease and suffering. In travels from the Arizona desert to India and the Himalayas, I discovered repeatedly that to treat the physical is not enough, to treat the mind is not enough, and that it is the energetic interface of our more subtle anatomy that also must be worked with and integrated if we are to elevate our bodies’ functions and advance our human capacity. My research would take me once again back to New England where in a rich environment of devoted inquiry, practice and discovery close to Nature, I would be guided and inspired by Masters of Sound Energy, Kundalini Yoga and Meditation, and the past and present works of sages and scientists from Einstein to the CERN collective who all fearlessly explored who we are beyond the boundaries of perceivable matter.  My experiences left no doubt that we are meant to function as an unlimited whole, connected to all life, and will only realize our Infinite potential and human capacities for equilibrium, preservation, regeneration and transformation when we begin to place greater emphasis on inner technologies for understanding and consciously evolving our individual human totality.  

Nearly a decade was spent remotely, in close connection to the earth, and with as little involvement in outer material life as possible giving my attention to accessing a more unlimited experience beyond the world of physical forms. Throughout this period of intense inner focused concentration, I found myself more engaged than ever with the practice of mantras as tools for exploring energy as Sound and the element of space through which matter and our own self evolves. 

I became sensitive to subtle sound frequencies and a matrix of luminous Sound unlike any physically audible sound. With a more unconditioned and un-patterned inner perception, my awareness of the operations underlying the physical grew.  Once I could hear the first of these inner cosmic sounds consistently, I began to perceive an infinite network of sound connecting all creation like I had felt in Nature as a youth.  I became part of its unfolding out of silent stillness along wave lines of imperceptible dimension condensing into gases which then condense into Light and further in varying densities into liquid and solid forms. In the Sound, I could feel life in the process of creation, evolving through varied states in a luminous Matrix omnipresent even in the densest physical forms, yet giving each its own unique voice, vibration, and radiance. Light became increasingly felt in the area of my solar plexus and my sensitivity to its nature, especially contrasting light and darkness, was refined through continued mantra meditation practices until there was no darkness in which I did not see Light. I walked and breathed in an objective world of people seeing only a distinctive separateness between themselves and other objects and subjects; addressing each other and nature only as the finite physical shells they could see with their senses directed outwardly.  

Gradually in the midst of this very continuous path of growth through the practice of subtle Sounds in meditation, came a quite unexpected and unquenchable appreciation for the relationship of Light, matter and Consciousness. Suddenly, like inhaling and exhaling, all of my inner focused endeavor called for outer expression as if my expanding awareness was never meant to live in the confines of the self alone and needed to resonate its more unlimited message in a more unlimited context. I would be shocked at how that would come to be. I turned myself outward again with great hesitation, not wanting to leave the radiant plane of consciousness where I had resided with such peace. I turned myself toward a world where people were constantly involved in connecting with others, with little thought of connecting with or refining the self. A world of reaching outside the self rather than inside for answers, and images had become the dominant mode of communication. It was natural for me to think in words rather than images, but I could not deny it was the self-luminous quality of my inner experience that transformed my perception of Light and the Nature of being, so it seemed the medium of Photography was most aptly suited to project it. 

Still, I was not a photographer, I worked with energy as Sound not Light, and did not accept it wholly at first. Key to my meditation was learning to direct the senses of smell, taste, sight, touch and hearing inward rather than outward toward the external physical environment. So, it took me some time to value the role of photography as more than a medium that kept us busy with externally directed vision and conditioned outer experiences. I have a very active intellectual as well as intuitive mind.  I understood how to work with Sound and wanted to understand how photography could project the experiences of inner directed senses and inspire new paths of inner inquiry and research for advancing our human potential. It is a question that would eventually answer itself when a respected Teacher told me, “they are the same energy…Light is just a more dense form of cosmic Sound, and in its most dense dimension it becomes visible. There are other more subtle dimensions of Light whose presence you perceive and perhaps in images you can give others a feeling of those.” It made sense but I was still unsure whether I had this capacity within me.  It was nothing I had trained for or planned in my life. It was like learning to walk again…stumbling, and humbling as I learned new technologies and how to apply my inner sensory perception to the outer world. I eventually surrendered to the process, and obsessed with the process without knowing why or what was the source of this devotion and commitment.  It just began to feel like something I knew and understood; a kind of latent calling.

A major turning point in my work with Light and photography occurred in 2015 when Paul Caponigro invited me to meet him at his home and studio in Cushing Maine. There was an immediate synchronicity and likeness in our ideas, inner experience and desire to serve the Light that was more profound than any meeting before or since. Until meeting him, I thought I was operating alone in the world of images. It was a connection of heart I believed I never needed, but it strengthened my will to translate my experience in images. More than that it freed and helped focus my creative, intuitive and perceptive faculties beyond all question or doubt. Just being in his presence elevated my work.  On each cherished visit, it was as if the Light emanating through all existence which passed through him to be revealed came pulsing with greater energy and clarity through me as well, somehow magnified by his devotion and pure intentions.  He said, “You must edit brutally.  You should be drawn to make an image of Nature intuitively. It should have no reasoned meaning or purpose, and must resonate beyond any intellectual or imagined experience. In time, in developing it, you will sense the universal qualities that connected you to it… that moment of union between Nature and your own human Nature.”  Inscribed in a copy of his book Meditations in Light, he wrote “Your search is over, work well in the medium you have found.”  After half joking about my “kundalini problem”, my perception of the subtle energy body fulcrum along the spine and how that pattern informed my composition, he said to another photographer next to me at an art opening, “She will change the way people view and value digital photography.” He said it with the certainty and confidence that makes something inevitable in time, as if he knew he had the power to strengthen my own confidence, will, and capacity to serve the Light and fulfill his prophecy.

I still find the fact that I make images unexplainable, and relate to it as a process that happens through me, but is not of me.  I always had a naturally refined awareness and sensitivity which felt how energies and objects were harmoniously or inharmoniously aligned a space.  Understanding sound had a lot to do with the element of space, but I never imagined myself pursuing the art of photography. Ultimately, I would say I did not pursue it, it pursued me. I had experiences of energies that wanted to be shared and images are the way they found best served their expression. In my practice of photography, I continue to discover, embrace and affirm the luminous beauty and infinite intelligence enlivening every dimension of the outer world as it pervades my own inner world of being. We are bombarded constantly by countless images of mass perception, which keep us imprisoned in past patterns of thought and action.  Sound and Word have undeniable transformative power, but images may speak to the minds of the present where words cannot hope to reach, and more unconditioned impressions may open a new thought stream which exceeds our past preconceptions of Nature and our own human nature. Through the medium of photography, I continue to develop my sensitivity and ability to perceive and project a feeling or sense of the infinite in the finite and the cosmic in the mundane. Increasingly it becomes an art fed by my desire to radiate the purifying frequency of Light in a way that is accessible and beyond the frames of ordinary conception. I remain interested in the convergence of elements (earth, water, Light, air) intersecting in space, the sculptural forms of Nature and its luminous universal essence, architectural impressions as responses to Light and space, and those border conditions where life moves from seen to unseen, and from dark density to subtle Light.   

I have come to realize there are infinite phenomena not yet within our perception which can be brought into our perception, and that our human potential can likewise be infinitely enhanced.  I have come to realize that the scientific progress of the future depends not solely on outer technological tools which expand the powers of the physical senses and the field in which we apply our intellect, but on our ability to expand our human capacity beyond the limits of intellect. It hinges on our acceptance and refinement inner technologies for accessing the subtle energy system within the self and its powers to transcend the patterns of past experience and conditioning which no longer serve us and evolve a mind of more unlimited integrative intelligence. My experience may seem unfathomable to some, but perhaps my story and images will make you curious enough to consider the possibility of a more unlimited human identity. Perhaps they will further open a door already unlocked within the self, or magnify a faint inner call inviting you to explore more of your own human totality. Perhaps they will strengthen your belief that you can be more, and that collectively we have the capacity to harmonize and permanently advance our shared reality. Perhaps something in my own belief in what is Infinite in all matter and my devotion to our unlimited human potential will inspire you to find a way to discover it within yourself.  There are as many paths as there are individuals…and one uniquely suited to helping you communicate or project the Light only you are able to bring forth. We are living in finite physical forms whose physical senses keep us directed outwardly, and this is essential for our survival. If we want to do more than survive as an individual or group, if we want to be able to not only accumulate, but invest material resources in a way that permanently transforms and elevates our collective experience beyond fear, disease, and conflict, we have to access and integrate more of the infinite dimensions of Self.  The more you can learn to direct your senses inward, and with sound and meditation concentrate the inner interfacing network of energies given to evolve the capacities of the mind, the more you will increase your subtle awareness, and the more expanded and profound your life experience will become. Collectively this will resonate as a new more luminous shared reality…vibrating with the Light of Infinite Consciousness we each endeavored to become unbound expressions of. 

© Copyright 2017 Deborah A Goudreault. All Rights Reserved.